I am scared of living and scared of dying. How I have even managed trips to la on my own I will never fully know and it was without Valium too. I think about death a lot way more than I think is normal, if at 30 it’s normal to think about death at all. I get people think about ending it mainly when they have been on a bender however I don’t think about doing anything only when I get really low and feel o can’t cope any more but I always feel someone or something up there has my Back. I do however think about death a lot and at the most random times. I can be training with my trainer and out of nowhere I think we will both be dust one day. Like does that not fucking make you want to book a world trip stop spending days working in a job you hate and go and have sex with everyone you ever wanted too. Errr well probably a normal person would get that thought and think fuck this I am living. I defiantly have the thought right let me go and train as a kundalini teacher, let me study healthy vegan meals let me start my own meditation 🧘🏼♀️ online programmes but then what if I waste all my savings and then I have nothing. I can’t fucking win, like let’s be honest if whatever is making me think of death so much surely it’s to push me to do more and be More.
I do think this death thing has stemmed from when my mum had a heart attack, I have waited for her to just die since that terrified of it happening but worrying every day about it. It’s effected me more this year maybe because of the abortion I don’t know, but I have felt really alone and thought when my mum does go I will just be me and Luciano. I spend the days I have worrying about this to the point it makes me depressed. How fucking awful is that though waiting for your mum to die, like I don’t want her to obviously but I know it will happen but I think about it way more than I should. It’s like I just want to get it out the way so I can go through the pain. I think it’s because I have been through so much I dunno if I would cope and I be totally on my own.
I have noticed this year that regardless how people say they have your back or would support you when it comes to it really I am on my own. Fucking hell i am really feeling sorry for myself here. It gets me like this some times a angry bitter little midget.
Now I am terrified because I spent 10 years on and off with the same two guys and now they seem to be settled and moved on it’s like I am bit lost now, even though I know they both was not right more so one then the other. I still feel like why can’t I meet Soemone. However really I don’t think I want too or it’s I am so traumatised by what let’s call him Bellend did that I am scared to meet anyone. Like really scared I am weary to fuck now, can’t be arsed with going through that again any time soon. Also I am scared of being told I am too much because I think the next person to say that to me wound probably feel the feeling of too much right in there nose and it will end up bigger than mine either that or I will end up in style.
To be honest with you I struggle to keep up with myself so I can imagine if your a serial liar and cheater having someone like me who over thinks even if my salmon is day out of date that I will die of food poising. I definitely don’t want to die from something like that. Well I don’t want to die anyway, I don’t think I mean I am scared of dying really like but I think about it all the time.
I know we will all die one day but do I really need to think about it daily surely that’s not normal is it? Course it’s fucking not like obviously it’s not.
It’s like everything I do I actually think but what if I die, even having a shower in the gym I am thinking what if I collapse in here, no one would find me till 10pm. Like who actually stands there thinking that, and then it’s I have to go on the motorway in a minute I may die. Like honestly this is my head and you know
What if I didn’t write I would go even more insane.
I have started facing little fears here and there and you know what sometimes it’s huge I even get to school and back, just got to except sometimes this
Shit in my head isn’t real and yeah we will all
Die probably not from a piece of salmon one day out of date…. well you don’t know….. arrghhhhhh stop. Just eat the fucking fish Tasha.
Until next time….. much love always…. keep going… love and light to you all.
Me myself and bipolar Brenda