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  • Writer's pictureLittle Tasha

Mental health a medical condition or a excuse?

I realised something today that unless someone actually lives in your mind it’s very hard for them to understand the battle you fight with it on a daily basis. I started on a low a few weeks ago where I just wanted to hide away, the thing about me is I don’t actually release how strong I am because I fight though it even if it means staying in bed all day till it’s time to pick my son back up from school. I have learnt to Perform though depression. I can pretend to be ok when I am depressed I have practiced it for years. I get stubborn and fight back, I do have the gym to thank for that.

Anxiety I can’t pretend I can’t cover it up because I only started to suffer with it intensely last year. It terrifies me to the point where I think I am actually going to die. I have fought so hard to get fit and healthy with a disc problem to be able to lift again and I have turned it around but I can’t fight these anxiety attacks I can’t escape from them. I work so hard on trying to face my fears and overcome set backs. I had my first major anxiety attack last year after I won my first powerlifting comp and I have been terrified ever since when the feeling comes over me again.

Approaching the same comp this week that I didn’t even think I would be able to lift in I have caught tonsillitis and the antibiotics have made me feel terrible. So sub consciously I am terrified I won’t be able to do the comp after over coming the physical set back of it which may I add isn’t fully healed but has not stop me progressing further than I thought i would be after so much time out. I don’t know if sub consciously I am scared of doing it because I think after it I will have another attack like last year. This didn’t even cross my mind untill last week when I was feeling anxious again. I am not scared about my back because I have been fine throughout training and if anything it’s got stronger but being bed bound I seize up. I was on my way to see the osteopath when I felt my face go numb and my chest went tight I couldn’t breathe. I took myself to a and e and put me on the ecg again obviously it all come back fine it’s just anxiety? Just?! I told him I get anxious about getting anxious I can spend 4 hours at a time checking things on myself and diagnosing myself with god knows what which then make me more anxious. I have always had ocd with my thoughts but this with thinking something is physically wrong like a freckle on my arm examining it over and over. I looked at bin I said I can deal with my highs and lows I can’t deal with this. He said people with bipolar are high risk for anxiety disorders. The guy who did my ecg even said your Already asking questions about things before you have had this done your thinking to far ahead. I know I am that’s what I do that’s what I can’t stop. Soemone turn round to me today and said it’s always something sort your head out there people with proper medical issues. It was someone I really trust and I thought understood my illness. I realised today that he don’t live in my head be doesn’t get it I can’t be upset at him. I agree it is always something and I try every day to sort my head out when it’s like this. The fact is this is a medical condition the only excuse is when I am pretending to myself that it doesn’t somewhat take over me sometimes and stop me from doing what I want to because I am terrified of what if…… do you know what it feels like to be terrified every day of doing the smallest tasks. That’s when I have to give myself a little bit of credit because sometimes I wonder how I even manage to go to the shop because I will be worried in case something happens driving there. I don’t walk my dog because I am scared in case a dog attacks us. I don’t drive on the motorway because I am scared if I crash. The worse part of it is I am scared that the visions and thoughts will come true I avoid going and doing things because of the fucking what if!!!! As people face fears jumping out of planes I am facing a fear of my one mind daily when it’s like this. Here is the thing too I hurt my back bad and it’s still not right I have fought to lift mentally again and over come the what if my back goes. But as I over Come one what if another comes and then another. I am terrified of anxiety it scares the shit out of me but bipolar did once i use to be scared of being depressed or scared of being too much and now I don’t give a fuck but this anxiety business, the ocd thoughts on diagnosing myself with mouth cancer Cos I had a small Ulscer in my mouth is nuts! Look I know it’s nuts I am fully aware when I keep looking at a freckle on my arm for 3 hours convince it’s gone bigger is nuts. However the pain and he way you can’t breathe with anxiety isn’t nuts it’s very fucking real and it scares me so much I sob like a baby I have anxiety about having anxiety. Wtf! This isn’t no excuse this is a matter of fact yeah it’s nuts what goes on in my head but I am aware of it and one way or another I will

Meet it head on and one day all

This pain will become my cure! As for the comp well who knows least I know my hearts ok so that’s one less thing to worry about but didn’t get my back done so now I am thinking…… well that’s just it isn’t it thinking. Can be a blessing or a fucking nightmare. Funny thing is I am

Way more scared of anxiety than I am squatting with 90 kilo on my back…… who knows I can’t feel any worse than I do right now….. it’s changed the whole perspective for me really I kinda wanna do it to see if I can get through without having a anxiety attack…… what’s the worse that can happen my backs got me this far it’s not the back it’s not the comp it’s not any of the things am scared of that’s holding me back it’s anxiety that’s holding me back making me. The only way to overcome this is to put it through what it’s supposedly telling me not to do right? Oh but my back and I haven’t seen my osteopath and I have tonsillitis….. excuses excuses…….. no not excuses……. anxiety!…………. to be continued……

Me myself and Bipolar Brenda 😘


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