After spending 3 months in a a absolute low of depressed Debbie I suppose turning into a manic Mandy isn’t all that bad. At first I was just glad to be able to get up on time and do normal tasks again without having a massive black cloud over my head. Granted it was majorly triggered by going backwards 2 years to Soemone who is probably the worse trigger for my bipolar than anything place person or thing. I got burnt more this time then I have ever by him so obviously it was going to trigger me into a Episode.
However even though I have finally started to come out of the dark I have now relies this week I have defiantly gone the other way. I never use to be aware when I was manic unless I did things that had a bad effect. I never noticed that I had more energy than normal, that my speech went faster or I became fixated on something. I would say that that I am in a positive high right now though, but do feel like it’s cycling slightly because certain things that I am focused on like my book I have decided to write, I get fixated on one thing like how to upload something and I can spend hours focused on that and then get really frustrated and anxious. When I am in a positive high I can really be very pro active and what has my attention completely has it but when I get to the point where I can’t find the next line I want to write or I can’t find the right technology to use it really gets to me and send me in a fucking spin. Like it hit me wow I am Manic Mandy because I thought I have rationally bought a I pad and Mac in one week. I spent days going on and on about how I didn’t need a Mac to do my book and how I would struggle with it that a I pad be fine for me. It’s like I become fixated on this fucking Mac. I get frustrated because if i could just focus when I get this positive creative full force flow I would achieve a lot and I do achieve a lot like this. I get loads of things done and seek to have a positive glow but it can switch quickly into a manic mess and now I am doubting myself about the book like there is loads of this online why bother writing a book. However this is something I have always wanted to do and I always said it wasn’t about it selling it was about it healing what I needed to heal. It’s for Soemone who may relate to it and it helps them. I am racing hyper writing this I feel irritable as fuck because my minds moving quicker then what I am trying to type. I think this brings me back to why I seem to go so far with things then don’t finish them because it either consumes me to the point where it makes me feel ill or I get fixated on something else. I just a million miles a hour right now but least I am not in bed scared to go out. You can’t win can you with this either all up or all down.
Much love me myself and Bipolar Brenda