I have decided to come back to my little blog, the main reason being I just think I don’t really care anymore what people think about me and this side of me or should I say Many sides. I think mental heath needs as much attention as it can get so people can gain tools to help them on there journey through there difficulties. People will probably read this and have something to say or a lot. Some people may not read it and to be honest I am kinda doing it for myself so I can get out how I feel when I feel like Brenda has a hold. I work hard to manage it as much as I can but like I have said before sometimes it takes hold of me. For
those who don’t know me are probably wondering why I have a picture of me standing there in funny socks and pulling a really attractive face 😂
one of the things I got into to help me with my mind was powerlifting. Yeah it was just suppose to be a hobby but I have some how ended up competing, I kinda qualified for the British championships too 😱.
That experience is what has probabaly brought me back to writing because since Christmas I have been in what is the delightful other phase of being too much and manic the dreaded depression and anxiety.
I am kinda clever at hiding it and use the fact that it’s because I am still
obessed with a criminal that can’t stay out of jail that’s emotionally unavailable. (That’s a completely other story for a completely different day) 😂
so yeah the other side of bipolar, is horrendous when your not flying high every day is a constant struggle. However powerlifting has help me live my life in spite of wanting to jump out of windows. ( may I add this is apparently a completely normal
tbougnt that many people experience. )In face it actually means your more in controll than what your think
your are. Well that’s nice to know isn’t it. God forbid we thought we was insane for thinking such a thought, what matters is you didn’t. 😂 I am sorry for making a joke of it but when the doctor said this to me I couldn’t help but laugh. You kinda have too when you get into them sorts of minds and are scared to step near a window. Thankfully I am over the fear of thinking I am going jump out the window. I probably again have powerlifting to thank for that. Once you squatted 90kg on
your back the window thoughts are a minor. Stepping on a platform after failing your warm up lift was actually more scary then any of my weird and wacky thoughts I must say, it’s kind help me a lot to be fair lifting weights 🏋🏽
Powerliftong hasn’t Just made me physically strong but mentally. I found something other than sitting on my cushion reading and meditating that gives me a purpose and a routine. i
started to notice that when I was lifting heavy weights it brought me right down when I was a million miles a hour, when I was down it help me pick myself out the hole I was in. I can get in some real deep holes trust me…..😂
Even when life wasn’t flowing and I was either up or very down that seem to balance me out. Obviously I got obsssed with it, but to be honest when you suffer with your mind and get obsessed with things and people that are not good for you, you hold tight to anything that makes you feel better.
I flew through my first comp and won, but I started to slip into my downs with anxiety and the pressure of wanting to take it to the next level I don’t think was serving me. See I need to just lift weights not to win medals (obviously it was nice to win) I need to lift weights now because when my mind is out of control it’s the only thing that makes me feel in control. Just that half hour session can help me. It doesn’t cue me I am in a bad depressive state now, which is why I didn’t do as well as I could in the qualifiers. However what it has give me is the ability to get out of bed and get through the day, I never could do that I wasn’t a functioning depressive, you can teach yourself to be strong even when your mind is weak to
push through. I never had that before powerlifting.
I know more and more people are suffering with anxiety, mental health than ever before social media is a anxiety trigger let me tell you, it doesn’t help
amyone scrolling through people posting pics of there Sunday dinners and Injected arses. I have a fat arse and have always been quite happy with it but since insta even I am thinking of one of these butt lifts. 😂
weather your up or down anxiety through the roof feel like your going insane. Feel like your too much or not enough here’s my take on it.
go and find something like I did with powerlifting that even if it’s for a hour takes the black smoke from your mind the anxiety running through your neck and chest or the Just feeling like you can’t take much more of this shit. Go and find something that gives you a little bit of your happiness back.
At the end of the day that’s all we really want us cranks weather bipolar or not all deserve to have something to help you and make us feel happy. Managing my mind in these phases is a full time job, I could go and get back on medication or I and go and deadlift then meditate. The thing is weather your bipolar or not and let’s be homest even if your not medically labelled a crank life tests us all at times….. take some time to do something that make you feel a little better even if it’s up and down least your not stuck Just floating about with no aims…… imagine that 😂 some people want to loose weight some people want to earn loads money…… I just wanna manage my mind and emotions and use anything other than what the doctor wants to give me. Point is and yeah I waffle I know….. point is this stop scrolling down shit….. that thing you wanted to do, that picture you wanted to draw, that walk you wanted to take, the cake you wanted to eat, the book you wanted to read, the blog you wanted to write, the class/course you wanted to take……. GO AND DO IT! DO IT FOR YOURSELF, FOR YOUR MIND FOR YOUR HAPPINESS……. Or go and deadlift 🙂
me, myself and bipolar Brenda 😘