Bipolar Brenda and OCD
I have never thought I had ocd until last year I thought ocd was people that had to wash there hands over and over and line there shoes up in colour order shit like that. No one told me you can have ocd thoughts. This guy I know he had to have his bath at a certain level or hewon’t get in it changes the sheets every day but straight out the packet. must be asda sheets can’t be Egyptian Cotten it would cost a bomb that wouldn’t it. Mind you saying that I wouldn’t put it past him. So yeah you see my point that was ocd to me. I have now started to understand that ocd can be with anything and anyone. So sadly for me I clearly have ocd thinking which makes sense because I can think the Same thing over and over and ask the same question over and over when deep down I know the answer. It’s highly frustrating and as I have got older is causing anxiety attacks more and more.
I didn’t think it was ocd when I went into H&M and spent 200 pound on everything coral from tops to socks I mean not other colour on anything pure coral. I got obsessed with coral, lucky for me my best friend took it all back for me when he made me realise I didn’t need 200 pound worth of coral tops and socks. Then I remember having a panic attack in top shop because I couldn’t find a matching top to my shirt and I burst into tears hyperventilating over it. Then there was the time I sent probably 120 photos of Nike trainers at different angles in the space of a hour to Reece to find what matches. (Poor Reece) he did put up with A lot. See I had a thing about things matching and it would cause me major distress to the point I would want to rip me hair out (done that a few times to be fair) the weave don’t help though.
I don’t know if it’s helped or not that I have become aware I have ocd thoughts because I am so into the law of attraction that I then get para and think I am attracting what I am thinking and it manifests, then I get more anxiety about my thoughts. I get we all have negative thoughts and doubts but seriously who has a sore head and then decides she’s got cancer of the head and has to ask her trainer if it’s normal to have a bumpy head . I went home googling symptoms and I have diagnosed myself I was dying. This steamed from the fact I just had a sore head bare in mind I had just had my weave done. I can eat too much bread and for days be convinced I have cancer of the stomach. Seriously it’s not the weird thoughts I have it’s the way they play over and over and honestly sometimes it’s not even 10am and I am mentally tired. I screen shot a message and send it to every single one of my friends….. yes all
Girls do this but not over a simple messages as ‘ok it was hot
Baby’ . The urban term for it was on top by the way, which I knew but still had to send it to ten friends asking what he meant. I can read a message and come
Up with a whole entire story that his living a life with ten kids married and I over and over will think something outrageous and cause myself anxiety over it. I mean these are just examples but having compulsive thoughts are really draining and they also ruin a lot of relationships and friendships. I drive people insane I will go on and on and on. The worse part is now I am aware it’s more frustrating because I can’t stop myself I drive myself insane. It’s like a downward spiral because after you have sent your 350 message (just joking but it’s not far off) I then feel depressed and down and regretful. I can make jokes but in all honesty this side of mental health is a bit tricky than the ups and downs of bipolar.
Sometimes you just want to stop thinking and that’s why I have to meditate but I can over think about that. Like when my day kept going wrong and I was convinced it was because I didn’t meditate before I left the house and I had anxiety about it so I eat a pack of lavender Kalms and was burping lavender all day feeling stoned and sick and all
I could think about was if I had mediated this wouldn’t of happened which then resulted in me getting upset and telling anyone who would
Listen.
Ocd thoughts are mainly the what if thoughts the worry of what will happen but they play over and over and over like a bad dance track stuck on repeat. Then when you see a tiny glimpse of what you thought your anxiety rockets because your like I manifested that. Sometimes I feel like I am on this merry go round and I can’t get off and that’s why I have to
Write now and express myself
Because it takes the Edge off well so does gin but yeah I think writing is healthier.
Even thought I love powerlifting and it has help me so much I had the constant fear before the comp I would be carried out on a stretcher I would see it over and over again in my mind. that’s why people don’t understand when I won’t drive places I don’t know it’s because I could imagine the journey and then something bad happens and the fear stops me like I say it’s the what if thoughts……
To be honest I think I do quite well even leaving the house some mornings I feel hard as fuck just driving to work without having a melt down or worrying I may kill a cat on my way or run out of petrol even though my tanks full.
When people say thoughts become things my blood pressure goes through the roof because I sit there thinking I hope not because I can get anxiety about a lion roaming the streets and attacking me while I walk my dog….. what if it’s escaped from the zoo and walked all the way to blackley……. what if?????……
Me myself and bipolar Brenda on ocd thinking